A remedy against your followers' suicidal combat behavior

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SPOILER INFO
This article doesn't contain any spoilers, only reveals a bug.
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The biggest problem with followers is them running recklessly into melee combat which not only puts them in great danger of getting killed, it also prevents you from shooting at the enemies (unless you are prepared to take the risk of hitting your followers).

As everyone with some experience with Skyrim is bound to have noticed, ranged weapons are far superior to melee weapons. (That is as long as you have a mod such as Skyrim Realistic Archery to correct vanilla Skyrim's most outrageous feature – automatic deflection of your arrows from where you're aiming.) Unfortunately, your followers don't know it, even though they are supposed to be seasoned warriors created specifically for the Skyrim universe.

This article tells you how to correct that.

Of course, the first thing to do with a new follower is to change her combat behavior from "attack whenever you see an enemy" (most incredulously, the Bethesda insectbrains have made this default!!) to "don't attack until I have started combat". This keeps your followers from fucking up all your attempts of covert approach, but it still doesn't prevent them from charging at the enemy as soon as you have fired your first arrow.

Going into the follower menu and setting her to be "Archer" doesn't seem to affect anything at all.

It was only after a thousand hours of Skyrim that I found out what to do about the followers unspeakably detrimental combat behavior:

Do not give them any melee weapons!

That's the only thing I've found that actually makes your followers keep proper distance from the enemy. It's incredible how much easier fighting became, as well as safer for the followers.

There's one caveat: at least one follower (Ghorbash) is unable to use ranged weapons, so he actually attacks the enemy with his bare fists rather than use a bow or a staff. Still, such swordmorons are rare, so going without using them or even putting up with them occasionally is nowhere near as infuriating as being unable to fight properly ever.

Always Lost, Always Hopeful (103) Trouble in Paradise

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SPOILER INFO
This fanfic novel is largely based on the events that occurred in an actual game of Skyrim I played. Therefore, it's inevitably a spoiler.
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previous day






4-201-11-28 03:23
Signal Tower, Jerall Mountains, Falkreath, Skyrim


We discuss our strategy. Wilaar suggests we take defensive positions for a few hours in case the bandits have noticed something is wrong and attack us. We should go and try to infiltrate the fortress only when it's daylight.

I think he's a coward. We haven't met any serious resistance in the surroundings of the fortress so far, have we? The bandits around here have been much weaker than the ones in the cave. Motioning to the others to follow me, I go out.

As I look around to orientate myself and decide which way to proceed, I see a group of three bandits approaching. After we've killed those and descended onto the ground, we kill another three and then a group of five or six. They seem to just wait to be slaughtered. I mean, they can run and shout all right, but I come out of this massacre without a scratch and even Wilaar doesn't look injured.

Under the first rays of the sun, we sneak into the fortress courtyard. By the time we've climbed up onto the rampart, we've brought about a real bloodbath.

The man in the foreground is Lorm. He has chosen to exchange his helmet for one looted from a dead enemy.
The man in the background is Wilaar. The woman between them is Jenassa.

There is only one thing that causes me worry. It's Lorm running ahead of the main group into close contact with the enemies, thereby blocking our shots. That, and our inability to find a way into the fortress interior. There are several staircases going up from the ground, but they all lead to small segments of the ramparts that are not connected to the rest. What kind of a fortress planning is this? How can you properly defend yourself against a siege when men aren't able to move from one part of the defensive wall onto another without descending to the courtyard all the time? And isn't Wilaar supposed to know his way around this place?

We walk around searching for entrances and my irritation is building up, as you can imagine. There's simply no way in. All we find is a group of ten or more enemies on a wall tens of meters above us.

They shout insults and shoot arrows at us, but our arrows hit better. It takes long, because they are in cover while we are in the open, but we get them all by the end. One man falls down, the others' corpses remain up there.

That's it. Now I'm at the end of my wits – and patience. I order Wilaar out of earshot and call a consultation. This sucks, guys, I say. We have killed dozens of men who have never done us any wrong and aren't carrying any equipment we could use. Why are we helping that patronizing fool Wilaar? Of course, I know we didn't come here for Wilaar's sake. We came here because I wanted an adventure. But this is not an adventure. It's shooting fish in a barrel. And the barrel is up on the roof, adds Lydia. I laugh and then I say: seriously, I feel sick when I stop to think about the devastation we've caused without any good reason. Apart from which, this place is a navigational nightmare. We spend 95% of energy on finding our way and 5% on slaughtering those amateurs who barely know by which end to hold the sword. Let's get out of here. There's no excitement in being a butcher.

Nobody objects. We return to the Missing Pauldron Cave and run through it. As we're about to exit at the other end, I notice Wilaar has followed us. What the hell?

I inform Wilaar: I'll have Lorm give you a thorough beating; then you may go to the southwest to the village of Pinewood where you will have to remain for 72 hours; after that you'll be free to travel where you want to, but should you ever see me again, you'd better run away as fast as you can. I tell him he ought to thank me for not leaving him tied up at the fortress gate. I even let him keep his gear. He only has to strip down to the waist so as to make Lorm's job easier. I instruct Lorm to batter him as severely as he can without breaking his legs or arms or otherwise rendering him unable to walk, and then join us in Falkert. I give the girls the sign to follow me and exit the cave.

Lydia says Wilaar probably didn't follow us to pester us. It would have been too dangerous for him to stay near that fortress. He had no choice.

Right. I didn't think of that. But he deserved a beating anyway, for having lured us into killing all those bandits unnecessarily.

My mood is greatly improved by a cordial greeting with Shasien who is leaving Falkert just as we arrive. The innkeeper Valga, however, is in a foul mood. I don't ask why. We just get out of her sight into the bath where we sit and talk in the warm water until Lorm arrives. Lydia and Jenassa prefer to exit the bath with me. Lorm will have to make do with seeing them get dressed.

I set to work on our gear and loot.

The weather is nice and I'm in high spirits by 2 o'clock in the afternoon when I've sold everything I can and we set off for Aurora. Lorm looks like eager to spend some time with me in private before we leave Falkert, but I pretend not to notice anything. With so much loot to get rid of, I won't waste an afternoon on something as unimportant as sex. I can guess I'll be made to pay one way or another when he eventually does get me in private, but right now all I can think of are the many shops in Aurora and Little Vivec.

By the time we're finished trading and hearing all the local news in Aurora, it's already dark, but it's only 7 o'clock in the evening, so I decide we'll go to Northkeep rather than spend the evening here.

The truth is, I realize I've become a little apprehensive of Lorm. That's why I don't want to stay in Aurora, much as I love the place. I don't know what Lorm might put me through when we go to bed. Like, what will I do if he thinks it would be fun to tie me up and whip me? I can't ask him about it beforehand. After all, maybe it has never occurred to him. I don't want to put stupid thoughts into his head. Neither can I make an agreement with him as to where the limits are what he is allowed to do with me and what he isn't – firstly because I don't know exactly where my limits are, and secondly I would no longer be able to respect him, should he agree to abide by my rules. A real man is supposed to sense where my limits are and I have to be able to trust him to take me there at the pace I'm comfortable with. But I don't feel such trust in Lorm the way I trust Yrsarald. I feel Lorm is assuming too much too soon, and I don't know what to do about it.

Apart from which, I really thought Lorm and I had an agreement that in the bedroom he's the master and I do what I'm told, and outside of the bedroom I make the decisions and he is my subordinate. But he's unacceptably undisciplined in combat. By ignoring our combat tactic and charging blindly at the enemy, Lorm risks injury or even death, firstly, because he makes himself an easy target for the enemy, and, secondly, because we may accidentally miss the enemy and hit him. Now, Lorm's death as such is his problem, not ours. A man who acts stupidly has to take the consequences of his stupidity. What is very much our problem, though, is that his recklessness puts the rest of us in greater danger than is necessary. In order to be an efficient battle unit, we all have to watch each other's backs – as well as, mind you, avoid putting ourselves in unnecessary danger, because if one of us gets killed, the others will have less protection. Lorm's playing a hero makes our group less efficient, and I can't put up with that – and, regrettably, I can't make it clear to Lorm.

Worse than that, when we were discussing our plans in Aurora, Lorm started to give me instructions and question my judgment. I think he doesn't quite realize the essential difference of the roles we have in- and outside of bed. Maybe that is something hard to comprehend for a man even though it's crystal clear to me. Lydia understands me, but she doesn't know how to explain it to Lorm either. We talked it over thoroughly in the privacy of our house in Aurora while Lorm thought we were shopping. When I came to that whipping part, Lydia confessed she wouldn't mind being tied up and whipped if it was with a man whom she could feel perfectly safe with. That brought a smile onto my face, but we still failed to come up with a solution. All Lydia could help me with was a promise to watch over me and help me recognize when things between Lorm and me would be about to get really out of hand.

Well, all the above is the reason why I wouldn't spend the night in Aurora. We set out for Northkeep in the evening with unsolved problems weighing heavily on me. I don't think it would be a good idea to stop at the Half-Moon Mill and potentially make things even more complicated.

The lantern-lit road leads us comfortably to Northkeep in less than an hour.

Now, I forgot to tell you earlier that we're generally headed for Rimerock Burrow which is west-northwest of Dragonbridge, but I want to make a little detour via Varlais just in case the filthy rich Pelin Varlais has another lucrative adventure on offer, maybe even something involving elves from whom we can loot powerful elven gear. The point is, as we arrive in Northkeep, it's still not too late and the weather is still fine, so I think it might be a good idea to travel to Varlais tonight. As I've told you, the castle is so big it can't be a problem to accommodate the four of us, and even if it is, Hviterun'll be but a stone's throw away.

We run north along the highway which, as you know, bypasses Lake Ilinalta from the west and then meets the west–east highway. Approaching the Big Northkeep Intersection, I can see a dragon just beyond it. As we keep running, my view is briefly obstructed when the road passes between hills, and then I'm surprised to notice a thick beam of purple and blue energy rising to the sky from a round flat structure that must be one of those dragon burial mounds.

I realize it's that scoundrel Alduin again about to wake up a slumbering dragon. Meaning, he's likely to be invulnerable to our arrows like he was the last time, as well as not to attack us because he has more important things on his mind. Meaning, we can focus on the dragon that is about to awake.

We run closer and kill the rising dragon before he has a chance to take off or attack us. Alduin flies away. I get the dragonsoul and we move on to the east under the meager light of the two moons.

Ignoring the couple of howling wolves somewhere in the darkness, we reach Varlais, enter the castle and let the servants show us a place to sleep.

Tired as I may feel, I arrange an opportunity to talk to Jenassa in private.

Jenassa doesn't think things are ever going to get better between Lorm and me. Not with my character, she says. She agrees completely with my estimation as to the absolute necessity of combat discipline and coordinated action under the unquestioned leadership of one (me). Jenassa is convinced I won't be able to make Lorm toe the line. She says she can totally trust me to kill a man or worse in a fit of rage, but not to consistently keep one obedient.

I know she's right. I don't have the will to tame a headstrong man. I don't have the heart to do it, because being headstrong is what makes them attractive as men and that's why I feel it's a sacrilege to destroy it. Jenassa says she understands it and for that matter she feels the same way, on the whole, and that's why you can't have a man be your military subordinate and your boyfriend at the same time. I disagree with her on the latter point, or you could say I don't want to agree, but I've realized I can't keep Lorm permanently as my follower.

"We're close to Hviterun. Why not invite Mikki to run with us?" says Jenassa. "You always say she deserves an adventure like her sisters have had."

I like the idea. Jenassa knows her well, having lived in Hviterun for many years, and I'd like to try Mikki. Rimerock Burrow would be a perfect opportunity. We've been there once. It's a cave with hostile creatures in it. I can no longer remember exactly who they were, so they can't have been too horrible. And from there we plan on returning to the east, so should it not work out with Mikki, we can travel via Hviterun and exchange her for someone else – or even get Erik from Roriksted and let Mikki return home.

Yeah. That's a good plan, from the logical point of view. There's sadness in my heart, though. If I dismiss Lorm now, things will never be the same between us. But I can't talk to him about my feelings, because that would obviously cause the kind of awkwardness we'd never be able to get rid of. And I can't have Lydia talk to her and pretend I don't know about it because, firstly, she doesn't have the courage to talk to such a man about such things, and, secondly, it would mean letting Lorm know that I have shared details about our intimate moments with an outsider, and men are usually very shocked and hurt to find out women do that. I can't have Jenassa talk to Lorm either, because she can't really talk with a non-elven man from heart to heart and she doesn't believe any talking would make Lorm mend his ways anyway.

All in all, there's only one thing I can do – let Lorm go. I'll do it tomorrow. And I guess I've wasted more than enough of your time with this topic, so – good night.




next awakening






return to the table of contents

Deflorator's game, 19–20 Last Seed (Bleak Falls Barrow)

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SPOILER INFO
This unfinished story follows closely my actions in an actual game, so it's inevitably a spoiler.
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previous chapter






The author has chosen to remove the text of this unfinished game report, because he is no longer happy with it.

Bleak Falls Barrow looks really, um, bleak.

next chapter

Always Lost, Always Hopeful (3) Overkill?

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SPOILER INFO
This fanfic novel is largely based on the events that occurred in an actual game of Skyrim I played. Therefore, it inevitably reveals a lot about the game.
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previous day






4-201-08-19 09:26
The Bannered Mare, Hviterun, Whiterun, Skyrim


After I've had a bath and exchanged a few words with a few people at the inn, I set out for the Halted Stream Camp with my followers .

Heidi wonders if the name has anything to do with urination, and laughs loudly. It sounds a little forced. Maybe she's scared. Or has noticed I am.

Shortly before our destination, we see another fortress-like structure at some distance, but we keep away from it. I don't feel ready to fight anyone without a dire necessity just yet.

I spot the Halted Stream Camp early enough to sneak closer and take up an ideal sniping position on a nearby rock overlooking the whole camp. The only problem is that it's too far to see our potential targets properly. I have an inborn special power called Khajiit Sense of Smell , which is not really a sense of smell, but makes nearby creatures glow in my mind's eye in various colors, depending on if they're hostile on not. Usually Khajiits have it and humans don't, hence the name. That bandit camp below me is, unfortunately, too far for my Sense of Smell  power. There's only one thing I can do – sneak closer downhill. That has the result that the enemies notice me before I can target them.

See what I mean? Where the hell is everybody?

I notice two people running, apparently headed for the gate. Meaning, they're not archers, which means I should have a good chance of shooting a few arrows into them before they manage to climb all the way up to where I am.

There's only one thing I haven't counted with. Two things, to be more precise – Jenassa and Heidi. With stunning agility, they are down below before I can get a clean shot at the bandits. Now there's a furious dance going on outside the camp entrance with people moving back and forth so quickly that I have no chance of shooting at them without risking hitting my followers. I rush downhill where one or two more bandits have arrived in the meantime. We kill them all and I'd like to think I was able to make a contribution, but there is no denying that essentially my girls won this battle for me. Their reaction speed is just superhuman. (I call them "girls", although Jenassa is actually older than me. She's a tiny bit haughtyish, you know, so it's good to put her in her place a little bit.)

But our mission isn't completed yet. These fortifications are simply to guard a wooden gate at the foot of a nearby hill that looks like a mine entrance.

We go in and find another group of bandits.

Heidi is the one on the left, with red hair.
Jenassa is being hit with some kind of magic from down below.

After that ghastly mess outside the camp gate, I instructed the girls to wait until I engage the enemy rather than charge blindly at every hostile-looking creature they see. Still, the moment I shoot my first arrow, they rush past me, screaming childish threats at the enemies and blocking my view. That seems to be the Skyrim way of fighting.

This battle is harder, meaning I also get my chance to put arrows into bandits, but it's still my followers who do most of the work.

Here Jenassa is using a magical staff to set the bandit on fire.
Elves are rumored to be much more comfortable with all things magical than Nords.
Nords are the indigenous people of Skyrim. And my race, the Bretons, are the native people of, um... somewhere else than Skyrim.

It was only yesterday that I was worried about my inability to defeat even one opponent without having to run away and heal myself several times, and now I suddenly have so powerful helpers that even 3 or 4 bandits are no longer a big deal. Thinking logically, this was exactly what I needed, but somehow I don't feel too happy. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just generally downcast for... other reasons.

Jenassa sits down to rest while I and Heidi look thoroughly around in the cave and pick up everything even remotely valuable. Among other things, I notice several Mammoth Tusks lying around. When we're done looting the bandits' possessions, we are dismayed to learn Jenassa is hurt so badly by some kind of magic that she has no strength to stand up, let alone walk. We're in real trouble, because my Healing  spell cures only myself and I don't know any spells that would cure another person.

Heidi thinks we should just wait until she recovers. Do you realize what you're saying, girl? You'll be bored out of your tits in half an hour, and a few hours later I will, and gods help us then. Besides, we have no guarantee that Jenassa will actually heal, ever.

Finally, Bardslayer gives me a special power to get Jenassa back on her feet. I told you he has unusual abilities and can help me out when I'm in a really impossible situation. This is one of those moments.

Now let's get back to Hviterun. We should arrive early enough to sell our loot. I plan on spending the night in the city and going to Bleak Falls Barrow tomorrow.

Jenassa is rather quiet, but Heidi gabs incessantly. Among other things, she mentions someone I've (of course) never heard of and who has died recently, and then she explains to me that the Nords bury their dead by storing their mummified corpses on shelves in catacombs called Hall of the Dead  where a priest of Arkay watches over them. Every bigger settlement has one. Unfortunately, there's some kind of weird magic connected to death, so that the corpses have a tendency to wake up to life occasionally, especially when a Hall of the Dead is visited by someone who is not supposed to be there.

This is properly creepy. It's a good thing that at least the weather is nice:

In the city, we first hurry to the marketplace where I give that nice woman Ysolda a Mammoth Tusk. As a reward, she gives me some advice on improving my Speech  skill. What's more important, I've made a new friend. I really like Ysolda. I feel we might have a lot in common.

I happen to strike up a conversation with a market trader Carlotta and she happens to mention there's a man named Amren in this city who has a problem, and can she refer him to me? I ask cautiously if that's something she can't help him with. Carlotta laughs and says: no, it's nothing like that. He's got a valuable family heirloom stolen, his late father's sword. Is there some kind of a gang of sword thieves here? Carlotta asks what I mean and I reply: I mean, is it the same people who stole Pelin Varlais's sword? No, she insists it can't be. The latter is rumored to be connected to some kind of a political intrigue and involves extremely evil and dangerous people I mustn't get involved with. But I might be able to help Amren. I say: fine, he can find me and talk to me. I'll be around.

Heidi and Jenassa walk to the palace with me when I go to report to the steward Proventus about the destroyed bandits.

When we're about to leave, a man with brown skin and short dark hair enters and walks up to us. He nods to Jenassa and Heidi whom he evidently knows and introduces himself to me as Amren. He tells me about his father who was a brave warrior and had a sword which he used for many years. Amren cherished it greatly, but recently it got stolen. He made some inquiries and heard a couple of names which mean nothing to me, but Jenassa says it may be a gang that used to reside in Redoran's Retreat, a cave west-northwest of here.
I wonder how I would recognize his sword. Before Amren can answer, Heidi informs me that there's a spell that reveals if an article is stolen or not. All shopkeepers use it and she's sure Farengar the court wizard can teach it to me.
I promise Amren I'll look into it one of these days, and go to see Farengar.

Farengar tells me to come back later when he's finished working, so I decide to pay a visit to the Hall of the Dead with the girls, in case some dead bodies might be causing trouble. Sure enough, the priest Andurs asks us to recover his amulet he somehow lost among the undead.
We go in and encounter a number of aggressive mummies, but they are not too difficult to kill. We get the amulet and are back out in less than an hour.

Now I let my followers go for the rest of the evening. I return to the palace and let Farengar teach me the spell to recognize stolen goods. He looks like he would like me to stay longer and make conversation, but then he's struggling to find anything to say and the situation gets a little awkward. So I leave and walk around in the city, talk to some people and finally rest my tired legs at The Bannered Mare. I hear about a place called Forgotten Ruins somewhere far in the west. A woman named Cassia has announced that her brother got lost there, and whoever helps her find him she'll reward with "riches beyond imagining". I am rather skeptical about it and so is Jon who has sat down next to me and keeps suggesting we could spend some rewarding time together without having to travel far. Every once in a while he tells the brown-skinned maid Saadia to bring us more drinks, and it's quite late by the time I succeed in shaking him off and going to bed, alone.




next awakening






return to the table of contents

Move it, for fuck's sake!

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SPOILER INFO
No spoiler, really, just the description of a bug in the Skyrim game which I think you'll want to know how to deal with.
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If you have had followers in Skyrim, you have surely noticed how those dumb pieces of skirt love to stand precisely in doorways so that you can't pass through. I mean, regular NPCs do it as well, but that is not a big problem because soon they will go about their business. But your follower thinks that as long as you are near (which you are because you want to go to the other room), her place is precisely in the doorway.

I am especially allergic to that, as I had a girlfriend in the real world who was near-perfect otherwise but had the annoying habit of constantly getting in my way like cats do. What made it worse – when I gave to understand that I wanted to pass, she wouldn't step aside. Instead, she sensed telepathically where I wanted to go, and took a couple of steps in precisely that direction, so after I had taken a couple of steps, she was again blocking my way. It was so irritating.

Now, she wouldn't stand in a doorway forever like Skyrim girls do. It's just that the Skyrim girls' persistent blocking of my way reminded me of that girlfriend and that's why it got me more furious than many other annoyances in Skyrim.

It came to a head in one of the dungeons where there was a small room with a locked door. I unlocked the door and went in. When I wanted to exit, I found one of my girls blocking the doorway. When you are in a bigger room, you can walk into the farther corner and that usually makes the follower in the doorway move a little, so you'll get a chance of rushing past her before she will block the doorway again. But here there was no room to go anywhere. Changing the stance to sneak did not help. Hitting her did not help. She would whine, but not budge an inch. I can hardly imagine a sillier way of dying – you stand in a little room in a gods-forsaken dungeon full of dead creatures, doomed to slowly die of thirst because of a person who is eager to do anything for you apart from moving away from a doorway.

Of course I could have gained exit by beating her to death, but I chose to reload a recent save and go in and out of that room so quickly that neither of my followers had the time to block the doorway.

But at that point I realized that the problem had become intolerable. I needed to find a solution. In Fallout, there was a right-click choice of non-aggressively pushing a person away from your path. There is nothing like that in Skyrim. So I began to search forum articles.

Apart from platitudes ("move to the farthest corner of the room" – and what if the room is too small, smartass, and don't you think I figured that out on my own?) and nonsense ("change to sneak mode, then she will move a little" – no, you fucking moron, she won't), there was one brilliant advice. Shout! OMG. That dude's a genius. Remember that first shout you learned, and with all the pomp and fanfare accompanying it, you thought you were a superman now, only to find out that that supposedly world-shattering gift was completely useless in combat? Well, it has a use after all – when you cast that shout at your follower who is blocking the doorway, she will actually move aside and you can get past!!!

That was amazing. I wonder if the gods (or elves or dwarves or whoever) created that shout for precisely the purpose of clearing doorways of stupid chicks. At any rate, it is just perfect for it.

Much later I accidentally came across another, arguably a simpler solution. Hold down W, moving into the follower. You won't be moving forward because she is standing in your way. Nevertheless, hold the W  key down. At the same time, move your mouse a little to the left and a little to the right. After a few seconds, she begins to hesitantly move. Continue holding down W  and shaking the mouse left and right, and eventually you will get past her.

What I still don't understand is: WHY THE FUCK did the Bethesda rat bastards make them stand exactly in the doorway in the first place??

It is also astonishing that none of creators of those follower mods with their elaborate arsenals of commands haven't bothered to do something about this so frequently occurring and so annoying bug. Most mind-bogglingly, I have seen a couple of mods that make it possible for you to determine a minimal distance your followers have to keep from each other  (even separately for various situations: combat, non-combat, IN DOORWAYS), but at the time of reposting this article, there are still no mods that would let you order your followers to keep a certain minimal distance from you.

So, praised be the Eight-and-a-half for giving us Unrelenting Force, one of the few dragon shouts there's actually a meaningful use for!



[originally published 2016-11-08]