———————————————
SPOILER INFO
This fanfic novel is largely based on the events that occurred in an actual game of Skyrim I played. Therefore, it's inevitably a spoiler.
———————————————
previous day
4-201-11-28 03:23
Signal Tower, Jerall Mountains, Falkreath, Skyrim
We discuss our strategy. Wilaar suggests we take defensive positions for a few hours in case the bandits have noticed something is wrong and attack us. We should go and try to infiltrate the fortress only when it's daylight.
I think he's a coward. We haven't met any serious resistance in the surroundings of the fortress so far, have we? The bandits around here have been much weaker than the ones in the cave. Motioning to the others to follow me, I go out.
As I look around to orientate myself and decide which way to proceed, I see a group of three bandits approaching. After we've killed those and descended onto the ground, we kill another three and then a group of five or six. They seem to just wait to be slaughtered. I mean, they can run and shout all right, but I come out of this massacre without a scratch and even Wilaar doesn't look injured.
Under the first rays of the sun, we sneak into the fortress courtyard. By the time we've climbed up onto the rampart, we've brought about a real bloodbath.
The man in the foreground is Lorm. He has chosen to exchange his helmet for one looted from a dead enemy.
The man in the background is Wilaar. The woman between them is Jenassa.
The man in the background is Wilaar. The woman between them is Jenassa.
There is only one thing that causes me worry. It's Lorm running ahead of the main group into close contact with the enemies, thereby blocking our shots. That, and our inability to find a way into the fortress interior. There are several staircases going up from the ground, but they all lead to small segments of the ramparts that are not connected to the rest. What kind of a fortress planning is this? How can you properly defend yourself against a siege when men aren't able to move from one part of the defensive wall onto another without descending to the courtyard all the time? And isn't Wilaar supposed to know his way around this place?
We walk around searching for entrances and my irritation is building up, as you can imagine. There's simply no way in. All we find is a group of ten or more enemies on a wall tens of meters above us.
They shout insults and shoot arrows at us, but our arrows hit better. It takes long, because they are in cover while we are in the open, but we get them all by the end. One man falls down, the others' corpses remain up there.
That's it. Now I'm at the end of my wits – and patience. I order Wilaar out of earshot and call a consultation. This sucks, guys, I say. We have killed dozens of men who have never done us any wrong and aren't carrying any equipment we could use. Why are we helping that patronizing fool Wilaar? Of course, I know we didn't come here for Wilaar's sake. We came here because I wanted an adventure. But this is not an adventure. It's shooting fish in a barrel. And the barrel is up on the roof, adds Lydia. I laugh and then I say: seriously, I feel sick when I stop to think about the devastation we've caused without any good reason. Apart from which, this place is a navigational nightmare. We spend 95% of energy on finding our way and 5% on slaughtering those amateurs who barely know by which end to hold the sword. Let's get out of here. There's no excitement in being a butcher.
Nobody objects. We return to the Missing Pauldron Cave and run through it. As we're about to exit at the other end, I notice Wilaar has followed us. What the hell?
I inform Wilaar: I'll have Lorm give you a thorough beating; then you may go to the southwest to the village of Pinewood where you will have to remain for 72 hours; after that you'll be free to travel where you want to, but should you ever see me again, you'd better run away as fast as you can. I tell him he ought to thank me for not leaving him tied up at the fortress gate. I even let him keep his gear. He only has to strip down to the waist so as to make Lorm's job easier. I instruct Lorm to batter him as severely as he can without breaking his legs or arms or otherwise rendering him unable to walk, and then join us in Falkert. I give the girls the sign to follow me and exit the cave.
Lydia says Wilaar probably didn't follow us to pester us. It would have been too dangerous for him to stay near that fortress. He had no choice.
Right. I didn't think of that. But he deserved a beating anyway, for having lured us into killing all those bandits unnecessarily.
My mood is greatly improved by a cordial greeting with Shasien who is leaving Falkert just as we arrive. The innkeeper Valga, however, is in a foul mood. I don't ask why. We just get out of her sight into the bath where we sit and talk in the warm water until Lorm arrives. Lydia and Jenassa prefer to exit the bath with me. Lorm will have to make do with seeing them get dressed.
I set to work on our gear and loot.
The weather is nice and I'm in high spirits by 2 o'clock in the afternoon when I've sold everything I can and we set off for Aurora. Lorm looks like eager to spend some time with me in private before we leave Falkert, but I pretend not to notice anything. With so much loot to get rid of, I won't waste an afternoon on something as unimportant as sex. I can guess I'll be made to pay one way or another when he eventually does get me in private, but right now all I can think of are the many shops in Aurora and Little Vivec.
By the time we're finished trading and hearing all the local news in Aurora, it's already dark, but it's only 7 o'clock in the evening, so I decide we'll go to Northkeep rather than spend the evening here.
The truth is, I realize I've become a little apprehensive of Lorm. That's why I don't want to stay in Aurora, much as I love the place. I don't know what Lorm might put me through when we go to bed. Like, what will I do if he thinks it would be fun to tie me up and whip me? I can't ask him about it beforehand. After all, maybe it has never occurred to him. I don't want to put stupid thoughts into his head. Neither can I make an agreement with him as to where the limits are what he is allowed to do with me and what he isn't – firstly because I don't know exactly where my limits are, and secondly I would no longer be able to respect him, should he agree to abide by my rules. A real man is supposed to sense where my limits are and I have to be able to trust him to take me there at the pace I'm comfortable with. But I don't feel such trust in Lorm the way I trust Yrsarald. I feel Lorm is assuming too much too soon, and I don't know what to do about it.
Apart from which, I really thought Lorm and I had an agreement that in the bedroom he's the master and I do what I'm told, and outside of the bedroom I make the decisions and he is my subordinate. But he's unacceptably undisciplined in combat. By ignoring our combat tactic and charging blindly at the enemy, Lorm risks injury or even death, firstly, because he makes himself an easy target for the enemy, and, secondly, because we may accidentally miss the enemy and hit him. Now, Lorm's death as such is his problem, not ours. A man who acts stupidly has to take the consequences of his stupidity. What is very much our problem, though, is that his recklessness puts the rest of us in greater danger than is necessary. In order to be an efficient battle unit, we all have to watch each other's backs – as well as, mind you, avoid putting ourselves in unnecessary danger, because if one of us gets killed, the others will have less protection. Lorm's playing a hero makes our group less efficient, and I can't put up with that – and, regrettably, I can't make it clear to Lorm.
Worse than that, when we were discussing our plans in Aurora, Lorm started to give me instructions and question my judgment. I think he doesn't quite realize the essential difference of the roles we have in- and outside of bed. Maybe that is something hard to comprehend for a man even though it's crystal clear to me. Lydia understands me, but she doesn't know how to explain it to Lorm either. We talked it over thoroughly in the privacy of our house in Aurora while Lorm thought we were shopping. When I came to that whipping part, Lydia confessed she wouldn't mind being tied up and whipped if it was with a man whom she could feel perfectly safe with. That brought a smile onto my face, but we still failed to come up with a solution. All Lydia could help me with was a promise to watch over me and help me recognize when things between Lorm and me would be about to get really out of hand.
Well, all the above is the reason why I wouldn't spend the night in Aurora. We set out for Northkeep in the evening with unsolved problems weighing heavily on me. I don't think it would be a good idea to stop at the Half-Moon Mill and potentially make things even more complicated.
The lantern-lit road leads us comfortably to Northkeep in less than an hour.
Now, I forgot to tell you earlier that we're generally headed for Rimerock Burrow which is west-northwest of Dragonbridge, but I want to make a little detour via Varlais just in case the filthy rich Pelin Varlais has another lucrative adventure on offer, maybe even something involving elves from whom we can loot powerful elven gear. The point is, as we arrive in Northkeep, it's still not too late and the weather is still fine, so I think it might be a good idea to travel to Varlais tonight. As I've told you, the castle is so big it can't be a problem to accommodate the four of us, and even if it is, Hviterun'll be but a stone's throw away.
We run north along the highway which, as you know, bypasses Lake Ilinalta from the west and then meets the west–east highway. Approaching the Big Northkeep Intersection, I can see a dragon just beyond it. As we keep running, my view is briefly obstructed when the road passes between hills, and then I'm surprised to notice a thick beam of purple and blue energy rising to the sky from a round flat structure that must be one of those dragon burial mounds.
I realize it's that scoundrel Alduin again about to wake up a slumbering dragon. Meaning, he's likely to be invulnerable to our arrows like he was the last time, as well as not to attack us because he has more important things on his mind. Meaning, we can focus on the dragon that is about to awake.
We run closer and kill the rising dragon before he has a chance to take off or attack us. Alduin flies away. I get the dragonsoul and we move on to the east under the meager light of the two moons.
Ignoring the couple of howling wolves somewhere in the darkness, we reach Varlais, enter the castle and let the servants show us a place to sleep.
Tired as I may feel, I arrange an opportunity to talk to Jenassa in private.
Jenassa doesn't think things are ever going to get better between Lorm and me. Not with my character, she says. She agrees completely with my estimation as to the absolute necessity of combat discipline and coordinated action under the unquestioned leadership of one (me). Jenassa is convinced I won't be able to make Lorm toe the line. She says she can totally trust me to kill a man or worse in a fit of rage, but not to consistently keep one obedient.
I know she's right. I don't have the will to tame a headstrong man. I don't have the heart to do it, because being headstrong is what makes them attractive as men and that's why I feel it's a sacrilege to destroy it. Jenassa says she understands it and for that matter she feels the same way, on the whole, and that's why you can't have a man be your military subordinate and your boyfriend at the same time. I disagree with her on the latter point, or you could say I don't want to agree, but I've realized I can't keep Lorm permanently as my follower.
"We're close to Hviterun. Why not invite Mikki to run with us?" says Jenassa. "You always say she deserves an adventure like her sisters have had."
I like the idea. Jenassa knows her well, having lived in Hviterun for many years, and I'd like to try Mikki. Rimerock Burrow would be a perfect opportunity. We've been there once. It's a cave with hostile creatures in it. I can no longer remember exactly who they were, so they can't have been too horrible. And from there we plan on returning to the east, so should it not work out with Mikki, we can travel via Hviterun and exchange her for someone else – or even get Erik from Roriksted and let Mikki return home.
Yeah. That's a good plan, from the logical point of view. There's sadness in my heart, though. If I dismiss Lorm now, things will never be the same between us. But I can't talk to him about my feelings, because that would obviously cause the kind of awkwardness we'd never be able to get rid of. And I can't have Lydia talk to her and pretend I don't know about it because, firstly, she doesn't have the courage to talk to such a man about such things, and, secondly, it would mean letting Lorm know that I have shared details about our intimate moments with an outsider, and men are usually very shocked and hurt to find out women do that. I can't have Jenassa talk to Lorm either, because she can't really talk with a non-elven man from heart to heart and she doesn't believe any talking would make Lorm mend his ways anyway.
All in all, there's only one thing I can do – let Lorm go. I'll do it tomorrow. And I guess I've wasted more than enough of your time with this topic, so – good night.
next awakening
return to the table of contents
