Always Lost, Always Hopeful (163) But I'm Keeping the Amulet

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SPOILER INFO
This fanfic novel is largely based on the events that occurred in an actual game of Skyrim I played. Therefore, it's inevitably a spoiler.
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previous day






4-202-01-28 05:12
Calixto's House of Curiosities, Windhelm, Eastmarch, Skyrim


We have a bath together at the inn, after which we eat breakfast. I wish Sofie good luck and leave her some money. Me and my followers exit by the northern gate.

We run towards Amol City and Winterhold – maybe somewhat slower than usually. I'm generally fine, but I'm really grateful that Lydia refrains from mocking me.

Crossing the rather boring snowy hills, we run right into a group of bandits. They're not really dangerous, but I accidentally shoot one arrow into Lydia. Nothing serious, but of course I mustn't be so sloppy, ever.

It's still too early for the traders in Amol City, so we just proceed to Winterhold.

I get Onmund's amulet from Enthir, but Onmund still refuses to tell me what's so special about it, and I can't detect what (if any) magic effect it has, so I'm not telling him I've got it.

I wonder if it's right for me to keep it from him if we're intimate. Ertzebet with whom I have a longer chat in the library confirms my doubt – I ought to give it to him and accept it if he wants to keep his secret from me. After all, there may be a story connected to the amulet which is too embarrassing for him to share.

It's clear to me now. I'll give it to him the next time.

Now I tell Ertzebet about Alduin. She clearly needs all her willpower not to jump up and dance and shout from joy. I ask him to tell everyone else when I'm safely away from Winterhold. I really don't want to be carried on hands and crushed in hugs for the next three days. Logically, I understand it's supposed to be a very extremely huge deal to have fulfilled the very mission for which the gods bestowed me with the Dragonborn gift in the first place, but my mind is fully occupied with the important things I still have to do.

Ertzebet is flattered beyond words to be the first person in town to be given this wondrous news. Her awe for the mythology and godly governance obviously exceeds mine. She promises to humor me and not spill the beans prematurely, hard as it may be.

When I mention the Elder Scroll I read on top of Mount Nexus, Ertzebet says that now that I no longer have a use for it, the proper place for keeping it is in the College library. I should bring it to Urag. Indeed, that's a good idea. But I can no longer hold back the question I've been itching to ask ever since I woke up this morning: how's it going between Ertzebet and Alec, or possibly Drevis? Has she at least found out if Alec has a girlfriend?
Ertzebet says she found out he didn't – he's merely very popular with women. He has slept with several in the past, but none of the girls have been able to keep him. It would seem he can't have sex very often, but Ertzebet doesn't mind. She thinks it's a good thing she won't have to worry about him being unfaithful.
So is she going steady with Alec now, I ask impatiently.
Yes, she is, but it's more like a cover. Ertzebet feels that when it's commonly known that she has a relationship with Alec, she'll be less conspicuous when she keeps finding excuses to hang around Drevis.

Have I already shown you what Drevis looks like? I think I have, but this is to remind you. The picture is from earlier today.

What she says makes sense. But what about that frequency thing? Has he difficulties getting it up or is he not even interested in sex?
Ertzebet tells me he can get up all right, but he's having difficulties reaching an orgasm. During the little more than two weeks they've been together, Alec has ejaculated only twice. Ertzebet was greatly puzzled when they went to bed and he had an erection, yet didn't seem interested in lovemaking at all. Turned out Alec can keep an intercourse going for very long, so that Ertzebet always has several orgasms, but most nights Alec just can't come. When Ertzebet realized that, she decided to settle for cuddling unless Alec himself insisted on making love. I can understand that. I'd too feel really bad getting orgasms when my lover can't.
I ask if he licks her down there on those nights he doesn't feel up to anything more. Ertzebet says no. She finds it too embarrassing to suggest it. She wouldn't object if he wanted to do it – in absolute darkness. But she could never talk about something like that with a man.
I wonder if Alec's reluctance to have sex is what's been keeping women intrigued about him. If he, unlike virtually all other men, has been hard to get, the women must have been dying to find out why. Yet no one ever found out, because he agreed to sex only very rarely, and never entered a steady relationship before Ertzebet (who firstly is just too drop-dead-gorgeous to reject, and secondly doesn't insist on frequent sex).
Ertzebet believes that's precisely the reason.
So has she now ruined his mystery by telling other female students about his unfortunate shortcoming?
Ertzebet says she hasn't, not really so much to spare his reputation, but because she herself feels it embarrassing to admit that she is satisfied with a man who can have sex only once a week or even less. I'm the first one she's told about it. She kind of feels she can trust me with anything. It makes little sense to hide anything from me after what she and I have done together. To all the other girls, she only tells how gentle Alec is, and how intelligent.
Yes, that makes sense to me. But I'd better go to Urag now and ask if he would like to have an Elder Scroll.

Urag thinks at first I'm pulling his leg, but then he stares with his mouth wide open when I actually put an Elder Scroll onto his desk.

Um... no. I assure you that's not a good idea. Better he remain in his ice cave breaking his teeth on that unopenable Dwemer thing.

Urag rewards me with 2000 septims which, considering his past, er, parsimoniousness, is really a huge amount of money.

I'm about to walk out of the library when Ertzebet gives me a sign to look towards Urag's desk one more time. Nirya is there, the High Elf who hates Faralda, remember? I step closer inconspicuously and overhear her asking Urag if Faralda has borrowed any books recently and possibly been interested in something forbidden.

Urag calmly suggests Nirya just focus on her own studies, and she leaves disappointedly. Ertzebet and I exchange grins and I leave to find my followers. I ask them if they have anything unfinished here. If Jenassa does, she's not showing it, although Nelacar gave me a very grim look a minute ago when I came to fetch her. But then again, he always looks at me with hostility and he's a complete jerk anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Me and my followers go outside, hold hands and I cast the spell to travel to Summerset – the familiar routine.

The world disappears for a moment and then we're in the hall of the Mages' Guild. We say hello to Quillinda and I hurry to cordially greet my darling Dulizar. Together we admire the show of light in various colors as a number of students are practising their spells in the large courtyard.

From the farther end approaches Master Bolwing who is taking the dog-king Celamir to a walk. His Majesty seems to have made himself throughly at home here.

My followers point out that there are quiet corners in that large courtyard. Yeah, I know they're dying to get to know about my recent adventure with Yrsarald. (Of course they knew beforehand what had been expecting me.)
So I tell them in precise detail how Yrsarald dominated me. The unreal excitement of standing naked in front of him, turning and walking and saying things at his command, obedient like a dog, completely stripped of my own will. I know I was mildly defiant to him in my choice of words, but I was still filled with eagerness to do anything to earn his approval – not out of fear of punishment, but because of my urge to make him pleased with me, to enjoy the feeling I was able to understand him correctly and to do everything exactly the way he wanted me to.
"I wish I had a man like that," Lydia says longingly.
I don't comment on that. I already know Bjarne is not dominant in that way. He is good to Lydia and he tells her clearly what he thinks and what he wants, and he always has some good advice when Lydia has a problem, but he's a soldier who obeys orders, not the kind of man who makes others obey.
"Well, I'm not entirely sure I have  him yet," I say instead.
"When do you think you will know?" asks Jenassa.
"I'm going to have a serious talk with Yrsarald the next time we meet," I say decisively. "About communication and commitment."
I realize I just said "commitment" and add hastily: "And before you say something sarcastic – if Yrsarald told me I may not have sex with anyone else, not even when I haven't had any for three months, I would obey. But he hasn't said it, and until I'm not absolutely sure he considers me his, I won't act as if I were."

The girls look like they're about to start a lengthy discussion about fidelity, so I cut them short because I have other plans. I want to get a new hairstyle. We approach Quillinda and Dulizar whom I ask to step outside for a moment (or maybe several) and help us choose. I'm completely fed up with my current look.

My followers are still the ones who end up doing most of the advising, but that's all right. At least as long as Quillinda and Dulizar aren't making any weird faces, I can be reasonably sure my hairstyle won't look ridiculous to the general public on this island. This is the one we end up choosing:

It's similar to one I had in the past and I think it looks nice.
The amulet is not part of the hairstyle.

I don't want any sex so soon after last night, so I tell Dulizar I'm awfully sorry I have no time to be with him. (It's not a lie! I am awfully sorry.)

Now, we have important business in Sunhold and less important in Lillandril.

We could go westwards from here, in the direction of Ebon, get the amulet Quillinda wanted from that Gemstone Cave... ring, sorry... and then turn south. (See the map below.)

I feel, hovewer, that I really want to visit Dusk one more time. We can go to Sunhold from there, along the road this time, and from Sunhold we can go north to Gemstone Cave and proceed to Lillandril.

That's what we are going to do. First a little shopping in the nearby Shimmerene village, and then we'll travel southwards along the coast.

Speaking of Lillandril, there's something I'm planning on doing there. Do you remember I told you about the brothel ship, among whose workers was a man? I've been thinking of doing it in the cowgirl position, with him on top and me penetrating him with a strapon. That's otherwise too horrible a thing to do to a man, but he's a prostitute and gets paid, so it shouldn't be a problem.

But that's in the future. Currently we are southeast of Shimmerene which is almost at the other end of Summerset. We have crossed the river and are now running along the coastal road that is partly overgrown with grass. It's so incredibly warm here, yet not tiringly hot. We are amused to see that after we've killed those zombies around Silverwood, the place seems to have been taken over by hares. I've never seen so many of them in one place.

Hard to get a good picture of them. They won't stand still.  :-)

Everything is peaceful along the road, except that spriggan place. I can notice someone getting hostile, but we just run past quickly. Soon we're on the long bridge that leads up to the fortress of Dusk. I am not expecting new bandits here so soon, but I still slow down just in case. And then we see a group of bandits on the plateau where the bridge ends. After we've killed them, we proceed towards the entrance without meeting anyone. We ascend the winding walkway and enter the fortress through that large gate. A mage attacks us, after which we explore all those apartments that are built into the thick walls. In several of them, we encounter bandits or ghosts. In others, we meet our old acquaintances or new peaceful inhabitants. Among those is an elven man called Bradwin to whom I immediately feel attracted. There's something disarmingly friendly about him, and something else I can't put my finger on but am curious to find out more about.

Right now, however, I'm leaving him, because I want to continue exploring the apartments, or dwellings as they're called here. Later when it's already getting dark, we sit a while at the inn.

I must say Dusk is a very cozy place when no one is attacking you.

Then I return to Bradwin. He's rather small down there, but I don't mind. Not everyone has to be an Yrsarald. And he's still very capable.

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Always Lost, Always Hopeful (136) Fog in and outside Us

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SPOILER INFO
This fanfic novel is largely based on the events that occurred in an actual game of Skyrim I played. Therefore, it's inevitably a spoiler.
———————————————




previous day






4-202-01-01 11:48
Uthgerd's House, Hviterun, Whiterun, Skyrim


When I open my eyes, Valdimar is no longer next to me. However, as soon as he sees that I've woken up, he wastes no time slipping under the blanket. Naturally, his morning erection is long gone by now, but I don't mind giving him a helping hand. I owe it to him for having let me sleep.

He takes me sideways this time and in the right hole. It doesn't last long and I don't get an orgasm, but I thoroughly enjoy our kissing and cuddling afterwards, as well as relish in the awareness that I'm able to give men such enormous pleasure as I just heard Valdimar experience.

Carlotta's house across the street from mine.

We go to the Bannered Mare inn to have a bath. I'm mildly astonished to see the marketplace almost empty at exactly 12 o'clock. As I open the door of the inn, I burst in laughter. The taproom is full of people. They seem to have a kind of an afterparty going on here – if they went to sleep at all.

Even Saadia has come out of hiding for this occasion!

Fortunately, there's still sufficient space for us in the bathroom. Men and women mingle freely without any embarrassment today. (Usually you have to wait behind the door when there's someone of the opposite sex inside.) When I'm clean, I go out looking for my followers. I see Ysolda on the street and ask her to send Lydia, Jenassa and Jordis to the Drunken Huntsman, should she happen to see them. That's where I head now. With any luck, Jenassa will be there already.

Well, so are Lydia and Jordis. All three have a hangover, and they wonder why I haven't, plastered as I supposedly was last night. Give me a break, I wasn't plastered! They insist I don't remember, and demand I tell them what I did last night with Valdimar, in order to prove I do remember. I know they're just teasing me, curious to know what happened. And maybe I did get a little too drunk last night. But I honestly don't feel anything like a hangover, and I don't even feel any pain back there. A good night's sleep is truly a wonder remedy.

For that matter, I now remember I've never had a hangover in my life. I just suddenly know it. Maybe that's how one's memory comes back – something happens to you that is similar to something that's happened in the past, and then you become able to recall that thing from the past?

I can see that my followers are not appreciating a discussion this abstract right now. Sorry. How about running around in the countryside, I ask with an innocent voice and a sadistic grin. Without waiting for them to reply, I ask Jordis how it went last night, and she says Erik and she, as well as Borgakh, had truly the prime seat. They were outside the city walls with the guards who released the fireworks supervised by Farengar the court wizard. They were actually allowed to fire a few themselves. Erik had the time of his life, she says. Good. Thanks, Jordis.

I tell my followers they can rest, because we're in no hurry. I almost stand up, but then I remember. I cast a quick glance towards the bar. Elrindir is busy with a customer and there is no one near our corner table. I sit back down. Wanna hear about a serial killer, girls?

That gets them alert instantly. I tell them what I witnessed yesterday evening in Jorrvaskr and we come quickly to the agreement that we'd better not meddle with the affairs of the Companions and indeed get out of the city until the hue and cry has died down. We can trust the jarl and the steward to investigate this as far as necessary, and we should have no bad feelings washing our hands of that affair, because it's far more likely to have something to do with the trouble within the Companions organization than a mentally deranged maniac. Those don't target seasoned fighters. They're just mad, not stupid, as Jenassa puts it.

As I leave to walk around a bit, I make it a point stressing that I'm by no means in a hurry, but as soon as the girls feel fit enough, I'd like to head for Ivarsted, this time by the northern road. We might get some good exercise in Valtheim and the sights are really nice in that region.

But right now I'm going to the palace to see how Borgakh is doing and maybe try to find out cautiously if anyone has heard anything about yesterday's massacre. If the Companions are keeping it secret, then it's surely an inside affair.

As I exit the inn, I see Lucia and Mila on the street. I wave at them and they accompany me to the palace. There 's a merry crowd around the long tables in the palace. When I see Mikki, I suggest to the children to sit down and have some sweeties. Then I take Mikki out of earshot and tell her about the murder in Jorrvaskr. She promises to keep me informed, should she find out anything while I'm away.

Walking around in the palace, I succeed in seeing a halfway decent map of Skyrim hold borders for the first time.
I'm not sure what those square things are. Probably fortresses.

Around 3 in the afternoon, me and my followers leave the city. Having passed through the eastern suburb, we cross the river via an islet, on which we find an old chest with some weapons and money inside, and then climb up a steep riverbank near the Ritual Stone to reach the highway that goes past Valtheim Towers to Eastmarch.

We just run past Valtheim. Never mind the exercise. Further east where the road forks into the northeastern branch that goes to Windhelm and the southern branch that goes past Fort Amol and Darkwater, we run south for a while and then leave the road and climb up mountain paths.
[series of 3 pictures you can click through; click on the first picture to make it big, then click again to see the next picture etc.; press  Esc to return to the text]

It's great we got to see that splendid scenery in good daylight. Even my followers' hangover is gone.  :-)

We reach Nimalten without difficulty, and from there Ivarsted by the time the sun is going down.

That's the bridge you have to cross to get to the 7000 steps leading up to High Hrothgar. Or was it 8000?
Ivarsted is right up this path and to the left.

Facing the direction we arrived from. Note the bridge from the previous picture.

At the inn, I realize I'm really fed up with that smartass jerk Bassianus who is ostensibly courting Fastred but in fact won't let anything with breasts walk past without throwing some sleezy witticism at her. On the other hand, killing him still seems kind of too harsh, so I don't really know what to do. Maybe Valdimar would know, if he were here. But he isn't.

After a brief stop resting and hearing from Wilhelm the barkeeper that nothing sensational has happened recently, we set out for yet another trip up the 7000 steps to High Hrothgar. If we won't drag our feet, we'll reach it while it's still more or less light.

As we're crossing the bridge at the southern end of the village, a guard is fighting a bear. We help him kill it. Then we see that Barknar the pilgrim has sadly met his death, possibly by the paws of that very bear.

Our journey up Mount Nexus is eventless. We succeed in running quickly past all the trolls and don't get lost even once.

In High Hrothgar, I leave my girls waiting well out of the holy weirdos' sight, and spend considerable time locating Arngeir, a task made more difficult by the unfortunate fact that all the other Gaybores are keeping to their principle of not talking. The average men's reluctance to talk (at least about things that matter) is irritating enough, but even the most taciturn men I've met talk at least a few words every now and then. In this company here I would go completely crazy in two days. But never mind that. When I finally find Arngeir and ask him if he knows a shout that can bring a dragon down from the sky, he admonishes me paternally for having let the Blades put stupid thoughts into my head. Refusing to help me until I "return to the path of wisdom", he turns away.

Suddenly, there's strange rumble. I believe to hear the massive stones High Hrothgar is built of clacking against each other. Arngeir turns around again and says Master Einarth has reminded him that the decision is not his to make. I am to go and talk to the Greybeards' leader Paarthurnax who lives in seclusion on top of the mountain, behind that energy barrier (up the stairs in the next picture) I haven't been able to pass through.

I walk behind Arngeir to the foot of the staircase where he teaches me a shout called Clear Skies  that'll help me with that hurting mist. The teaching is done just like the previous times, by projecting glowing symbols onto the ground. I step onto them and thereby acquire the shout.

As I approach the gate and do the shout, the strange mist dissipates and I can indeed walk though. With northern lights in the sky, I can see well enough to proceed along the path up the mountain. However, the shout clears only a limited area, so when I proceed, I end up in the mist again and have to use the shout again to avoid losing health rather quickly. The problem is the shout has a cooldown period, and I'm moving so quickly that I reach the mist before I can use the shout again, and I'm too impatient to wait and so I go into the mist anyway and end up hurt real bad and I still can't use the shout and for some reason my Healing  spell is failing to work and so I'm almost dead before I realize I have to take a health potion.

That was close, and it was really inadmissibly careless of me. When will I learn to pay better attention and think what I'm doing rather than just rush headlong into trouble?

A little later, I'm baffled to see a goat unperturbedly searching for food from under the snow. How it can survive in an environment that kills a human being in a matter of minutes is beyond me.

Then I'm attacked by an icewraith. The path is not dangerously narrow when you just run, but a combat under such conditions could turn rather precarious. Then again, with the mountain on one side, the icewraith hasn't much room for maneuvering. That's why it keeps very close to me most of the time. I choose to fight it with a sword.

It's not easy to keep up with the monster circling around me, but it would be much harder with a bow. I'm fascinated to see the icewraith's jaws up close and I eventually kill it without taking too much damage myself.

Finally, I reach a small plateau on the very top of the mountain, in the middle of which sits a really big dragon. No, he hasn't eaten the Gaybores' leader. He is their leader Paarthurnax. The leader of the Gaybores is a dragon. After all the crazy things preceding this, I'm not even very surprised.

As I approach the dragon, he asks me who I am and what brings me here. I reply that he probably knows already. He says he does, he just hasn't had an opportunity to talk to anyone for a very long time. So I indulge him, asking him not only about things I need to know, but also things I imagine he would enjoy talking about. He speaks slowly, mixing dragon and human words, but I don't mind. I find him kind of likeable.

Before answering my questions, Paarthurnax demands to know why do I want to save the world in the first place.

Save the world? Does this mean that if I don't destroy Alduin, he will not just go on attacking settlements but actually destroy the world? [Gulp]

Come to think of it, Arngeir hinted something to that effect earlier, but I didn't (want to) believe him. Hearing it from the mouth of Paarthurnax, I have no more doubt.

This means I'll go with the Blades' "selfish" pursuit of saving the world rather than follow the Gaybores' "path of wisdom" who insist that if this world is meant to be destroyed then let it.

But that's in the future. Right now, I have to give Paarthurnax's question an answer as good as I can come up with.

Just in case you didn't know – my line is on the right and his reply to me is below.

Paarthurnax tells me humans did indeed defeat Alduin in the distant past with a shout called Dragonrend. Paarthurnax doesn't know the shout, though, because it was designed specifically against dragons, which is why it's impossible for a dragon to learn it. But he has a solution. There's an Elder Scroll , with the help of which Paarthurnax thinks he'll be able to send me temporarily into the past where I can meet the people who created Dragonrend  and learn it from them.

You may ask what an Elder Scroll is. I don't know it so well myself (and I feel embarrassed to ask Paarthurnax and show my ignorance), but the best I understand, it's a written work that is very ancient and contains something highly powerful and unusual. In other words, something like a Black Book that is good rather than evil, perhaps? I must ask someone in Winterhold. Or maybe Farengar knows. (In fact, I'm sure Farengar knows.)

As to where this particular Elder Scroll might be, Paarthurnax has no idea. He says he's been meditating up here waiting for the inevitable return of Alduin, and occasionally teaching dragon shouts to people such as the Greybeards. But he knows little about what's been going on in the people's world down below.

I'd like to tell him he should at least fly around from time to time to stretch his muscles, but somehow it doesn't feel appropriate after the solemn matters we just discussed. So I just say goodbye and Paarthurnax thanks me for having taken the time to talk to him.

My goodness, it's morning already! The sun is shining as I descend, much more careful with the hurtful mist this time. After I've defeated another icewraith, I realize I forgot to ask Paarthurnax why there aren't any female dragons around. Oh well. I'm not going back for that. At least not today.

Another goat up in this place utterly unapproachable for common mortals. I just can't believe it!

I find Arngeir where I left him, sitting on his knees and probably begging the universe to forgive the humankind for my perilous pursuit of knowledge. When I ask him about the Elder Scroll, he informs me that he and his fellow holymen don't concern themselves with them, because they're dangerous knowledge humans should not meddle with. Doing everything in my power not to burst out laughing, I ask him who would meddle with such things. Possibly someone in Winterhold College, he tells me. That's where most of the blasphemy in the world seemingly comes from. Great. Hope he won't find out I'm (at least nominally) the Arch-Mage of that very College.

Now, would you believe if I told you I'm dog-tired? I'm pleased more than words can say to find out that being now an officially recognized Dragonborn, I'm allowed to sleep in the High Hrothgar dormitory.

So are, fortunately, my followers who are already (or still, rather) asleep.



next awakening






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