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SPOILER INFO
This fanfic novel is largely based on the events that occurred in an actual game of Skyrim I played. Therefore, it's inevitably a spoiler.
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previous day
4-202-05-19 04:51
Sleeping Giant Inn, Riverwood, Whiterun, Skyrim
I had a strange and terrible nightmare. Vague scenes of entering one cave after another and slaying dozens and dozens of people who just sat there and didn't do anything. I knew somehow that they had plans of coming out of their lair, descending the mountains and overrunning Riverwood, Helgen and Falkert, to establish their own little bandit kingdom in the area south of Lake Ilinalta. They didn't know the civil war was over. The thought of lovely beautiful peaceful Riverwood falling into the hands of those animals was making me sick, and at the same time I was nauseous of massacring a huge number of people who paid no attention to me when I entered, thinking I was one of them.
I don't know what the dream was supposed to mean. Was it prescience of what we'd need to do for Faralda's quest, or a discharge of my accumulated repulsion at things I've had to do so far?
We're headed southeast to find North Skybound Watch, where there's supposed to be a pedestal onto which I'll have to place Faralda's book and cast a frost spell at it. To tell you the truth, I'm not at all sure we can even ascend the mountains from this direction. Until now, we have only traveled along the path that passes the Fox Club. leads southwestwards and ends up on the road to Helgen. Hadvar said there has to be another path up the hills. I hope we can find it.
"Laura," I hear Jordis's voice as we're walking along the empty street towards the Fox Club.
"What?"
"Can we not go up there? Please."
I look at her. She doesn't seem to be aware that she's trembling. It can't be cold.
"Okay."
I turn around and head back towards the inn. Apparently Jordis has had some kind of a horrible precognition of her own, possibly because she was sleeping with me, but this is neither the time nor the place to discuss it. Let's just go to Hviterun. Not that I can't make decisions without Jenassa all of a sudden. I'm just reluctant to hang around and let the villagers notice us not going to the mountains after all and start wondering why. Besides, I've told you I've been feeling for some time now that I've had enough adventures. This seems like a welcome excuse to start taking it easy.
On the corner of the main street, we turn right and head for the city. The sun hasn't quite risen yet.
I lead us through the forest. With any luck, the wolves should leave us alone today.
When we're across the hills and are seeing the houses in the valley, I tell Lydia and Ghorbash to run ahead, and motion Jordis to sit down next to me.
I look at her. "Anything you want to tell me? A scary dream?" I know and she knows I've had many prophetic dreams, so why couldn't she? We've learned to take such things seriously.
"I saw myself getting killed. We went into a cave with 20 or 30 men and we started to shoot at them, and then one of them ran to me and stabbed me to death, snap, just like that. I know it's silly, but..."
I don't say anything.
"Laura, I'd like to take a break."
I'm still not sure how to reply, because what she says is so eerily reflecting what I've been feeling.
"I can look after your house in Markarth," Jordis says hesitantly.
My house? It's our house.
"I'm terribly sorry."
"Jordis..." I reach out to touch her arm. "It's all right. I... of course you can take some time off. We can run with Valdimar, it's no problem at all. Besides, I haven't really realized until now how fed up I am with wandering around and killing people. Especially those fucking stupid caves where you can't see properly. And putting you all in danger. I'm so sorry!" To my own and certainly Jordis's utter astonishment, I suddenly break out in sobs.
Apparently, Jordis is at loss what to do with me, because it takes a while until I feel her getting closer and hugging me gingerly.
The following minutes are a little blurry. When I've finally composed myself, we lie in the grass in embrace – not doing anything sexual, just trying to be as close as possible, in order to give each other support and reassurance.
And the wolves did leave us alone. :-)
It's clear to me now that I have enough of being the hero Dragonborn. I no longer enjoy traveling around Skyrim. That is because I have too much to lose. Remember I told you on the first days of my adventures that I have to go out and do things or I'll never achieve anything? That's in the past now. I have achieved a lot. I no longer need to expose myself to dangers.
"We'll travel to Solitud and tell Elisif you're ready to leave now, okay?" says Jordis as if reading my thoughts.
I loosen myself from the embrace and turn and look her timidly in the eyes. She was the one trembling, and now she has to comfort me instead.
I nod. It's high time to put an end to this madness. My parents and siblings don't even know I'm alive, yet I'm roaming about Skyrim pursuing fuck knows what.
When I say that to Jordis, she asks: "Does your feeling guilty make anyone happy?"
This is the moment that changes everything for me. Sometimes a simple question with an obvious answer can make you see something you have been blind to until then.
Does your feeling guilty make anyone happy?
I'm suddenly aware how I have been beating myself up unnecessarily. It doesn't sound like much when I say it like this, but I really feel like a switch has been turned in my brain.
I am leaving forever behind the remorse for having done what I had to do. I will rejoice and appreciate all the beautiful things in my life. No more emotional suicide.
I have to laugh and Jordis laughs and we hug and help each other get up and start walking downhill towards the farm southwest of Hviterun.
There are 18 days until Lydia's birthday. After that, I'll leave for High Rock. Until then, I'll just get some rest and spend time with my loved ones and such. No more killing. I've really had enough. And I've done enough. No one can deny that. Alduin is dead and the civil war is over. I have every right to wash my hands of the new war and all the remaining bandits and whatever magical threats that may emerge. Remember, I said a long time ago that the fate of Skyrim ultimately lies in the hands of the people of Skyrim themselves? Now the time has arrived when they'll have to make do without me.
I'd say their prospects look very good.
I stretch out my hand and Jordis takes it. We descend unhurriedly, looking at the windmill and the fields and the houses and the city as if seeing it all for the first time, taking it all in, grateful to be alive and to be together and able to see and hear and smell and feel all this.
epilogue: 21 days later
